saturday, september 16

•••    the network coverage of the games gets more and more like a soap opera with every new olympics. I don't mean to be a snob, but is this really what appeals to the general population? histrionics and melodrama, wrapped up into fuzzy-filmed slow-motion vignettes, narrated in sonorous tones but vapid words... I don't like it. I've been watching the sports I understand with the sound muted so I don't have to hear nbc's annoying audio track. I suspect the fifteen-hour time difference is making everything worse -- now they have time for foreshadowing (with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer) and horribly contrived symbolism as well. it makes me cringe.

this is why I watch the olympics: sports are beautiful. they just are. I like to play team sports, but I like to watch individual sports. when it's just one person competing, you can see everything. the synchronicity of everyone starting off together in the swimming races, the muscles in the gymnasts' shoulders, the ripples left behind by divers, the torque over the top of the pole vaulting bar... it's all beautiful. and the olympics, as we are continuously reminded, are sports at their highest level. very beautiful.

also, I like all the athletes' accents. :)
9:20 PM +

•••    snort.

(and that is all I have to say about that.)
4:13 PM +

•••    saturday's a rugby day! we have our first game today. it's hard to believe this will be my third rugby season, but it's even harder to believe that only a year ago I was a clueless rookie. there's something really exhilarating about your very first tackle in your very first game. the first tackle of the season is a nice rush too, but it's not quite the same. it will be fun watching the rookies in their very first game this afternoon.

rugby! wheee!! :)
8:36 AM +

•••    this is fun... we think my roommate has infectious mononucleosis. (but not strep, fortunately.) she went home for the weekend to recuperate, and mono is really mostly transmitted through saliva, which is one of the things we definitely don't share. still, I'm getting tested. bleh. (at the moment I feel great despite having slept four hours out of forty five over the last three days, so I'm not terribly worried. but my poor roommate!)
12:15 AM +

friday, september 15

•••    new emode tests. it's not like being a sheep. it's like finding someone to play with. :)

my aura is violet: you're sophisticated and worldly enough to know how to dig in and make a difference where it counts. strong-willed and kindhearted, people with a violet aura are the world's activists.
(amazing. I don't think I've ever had a test zero in on the activist thing before! it's always "you like spending time alone" and stuff like that.)

I'm a straight arrow: you're all about sweetness, sunshine, and smiles. we've never met anyone nicer than you.
(gag.)

I'm a subtle flirt: one of the best things about your approach is that it's discreet. you can always act innocent and coy if something gets taken out of context or misunderstood.
(this goes for everything, not just flirting! heh.)

my flavor is mocha: you're the flavor of late nights and early mornings. a coffeehouse regular, you've cornered the market on deep thoughts and probably have a little more than your fair share of brains. In fact, those who know you may even consider you an intellectual, a label that suits you just fine. Deep and thoughtful, you love the academic — or at least the structured pursuit of knowledge.
(all well and good, except that I hate coffee! however I love the late nights and early mornings line, and I can see why mallory was pleased at being mocha herself.)
11:30 PM +

•••    what have you overheard in passing?

(one of my hallmates, outside my door a little while ago: "I've had dreams about killing people, but they were always good." what do you think -- should I be locking my door at night?)

(via a message board, not that you care.)
9:36 PM +

•••    today has been a full-of-surprises day. :)
9:09 PM +

•••    I got the most incredible compliment today, in kind of a funny indirect way that made it even better, because I didn't have to get all embarassed and ears-aflame about it.

I'm currently a writing-associate-in-training, which means that my job is half work, half class. in class today we were doing practice writing conferences. I had to observe while two of my classmates talked about one of my astronomy papers from last year -- one was pretending to be the student who had written it, and the other was critiquing the paper.

It's been almost a year since I wrote it, so I honestly don't remember a whole lot about it, except that it was my absolute favorite paper from the semester and I actually enjoyed writing it. (it was about extraterrestrial life.) I didn't remember exactly what arguments I made or what references I used or what grammar traps I fell into. I had nothing to be defensive about the way I sometimes can be when people proofread my papers just after I've written them. so I was actually very interested in what the writing associate had to say about it, even when she picked on the structure of my opening paragraph and said my discussion of bacteria was a little confusing.

and then she said, not to me but to the person who was roleplaying the author part, "I really like the way you write. it reminds me of the way articles are written in magazines." I smiled so hard I thought I was going to topple off my chair from the force of it. that offhand remark, coming from a self-described non-science person who said that she usually zoned out while reading science papers, meant more to me than all the redpenned comments I've ever gotten from any of my professors. I know I can write good science papers for a science geek audience. I didn't know that I can also write good science papers for a general audience.

it's a good thing to know. my best-case-career scenario has for several years been some combination of research astronomy and popular writing. and wow, maybe I can actually do it.
4:58 PM +

•••    I am still doing astronomy homework (but I did take a break for breakfast and showering).

my hands are a work of accidental turquoise-ink-spotted art.
9:23 AM +

•••    it is raining.

it is raining hard.

there has been a nearly-continuous thunder rumble going on for about the last twenty minutes, punctuated every so often by a really loud crash. in the last five minutes I have counted seventy three separate lightning flashes, eighteen of which were bright enough to illuminate this entire room even though the only interior light is coming from my monitor. for a split second afterwards I see the entire world in negative color before everything goes black and unfades back into shadows and sillhouettes.

we have a very wide windowsill inside and a nice brick ledge outside. with my feet braced against my desk and my abs (which are very strong, if not especially tight) braced against the bottom windowframe, I can lie spread-eagled with almost all of my upper torso outside (we live on the second floor, so there is lots of nice airspace in which to wave about). I can fly in the thunderstorm. I can turn face-up against the rain. I can't hear myself when I scream into the thunder.

the streetlight outside is collecting steaming where the rain is running across its lighted surface, and the drops falling off it are glowing. if I look straight at it and a little bit through it at the same time, I can see the individual drops falling as in in slow motion, leaving behind trailing purple afterimages on the backs of my eyes. underneath the light, a moth is fighting a vertical battle against the torrent, trying to reach the bulb, and getting battered down over and over again. every so often it disappears into the cloud of steam.

the top half of my body is very very wet. there is enough water collected in my eyelashes that I am having my own private rainstorm down the front of my face. the tip of the telephone pole across the street is glowing. I think my computer should be off. I'm leaving it on.

it is raining hard and thundering harder. a stripe of purple lightning just ripped the sky in half. I finished my physics and now I am doing my impossibly difficult astronomy homework in bright turquoise pen. my calculator needs new batteries. the moth is still battling. I have slept for two hours out of the last twenty-four. I am listening to a sad sad sad song, a lost and lonely love song. I feel happier than I have in about a week. I have no idea why, but I'll take it.

oh, life life life. what am I going to do with you?
1:24 AM +

thursday, september 14

•••    some of my hallmates really know how to throw a study break. they made chocolate fondue, which meant that there was lots of really good fruit. kiwis, cantaloupe, pears, apples, oranges, bananas, starfruit... even pomegranate seeds. ooh. I am full. and someone very nicely gave me a bit of bittersweet milk-free chocolate, so I didn't have to miss out on that. if I could just go to sleep right now, I would be very very happy.
11:36 PM +

•••    getting back to my room after six hours of rugby and class, knowing I have at least six hours of homework ahead of me, and finding my roommate sprawled out on her bed in the middle of her fourth hour watching the x-files... well, it just makes me want to fall over in defeat.

instead I am going to do physics, which is probably pretty much the same thing.
10:29 PM +

•••    what is extraversion anyway?

this paper says the defining fundamental feature of extraversion is reward sensitivity. this would make extraverts more likely to derive pleasure from social interaction (something that is described as rewarding by introverts as well), and more likely to seek it out.

one thing I don't understand is why it continually describes sociable people as happy people. are sociable people happier? are happy people more sociable? I am no psychologist, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about -- but I think I have two poles of happiness, one at which I am thoroughly content all by myself, and one in which I am feeling well-adjusted enough to seek out social situations. both of those states definitely have feelings of happiness and contentment at the core, but I feel that the first one, where I am all alone and liking it, gives me a much deeper sense of contentment and equilibrium.

in between poles is a fuzzy (and very large) spectrum that ranges from the point where I am resigned to social contact even though I want nothing to do with it to the point where I desperately want to be with someone but I am alone anyway, because I am too shy and insecure to go out and actually make contact. I imagine all those zones and everything in between exists for just about every human being on the planet, and the real variables are their relative sizes.

anyway, I don't think my reward sensitivity is lacking anything. I am an extreme introvert, but I get a lot of satisfaction from the right kinds of social interaction. I know exactly when I want it, too; I know when it will make me feel happier than I am, and I know when it will get in the way of my happiness. I do know what I want, and I do know what I feel -- I just don't know how to clear the intermediate hurdles.

I don't want to ascribe introversion to a lack of self-confidence, because that's silly. I am not usually sitting here all alone pining for human contact, or feeling unfulfilled without knowing why. most of the time I want to be by myself, because that's what makes me happy. however, when I want to be alone, it's easy to isolate myself. when I want to spend time with another person, it's hard. and I think I derive as much pleasure as anyone from meaningful social interaction (the study did differentiate between that and general social mishmash like small talk), if not more -- it always feels like such an accomplishment when I actually find it. and that's what makes me push through the hard parts over and over.

maybe I'm missing the point. what do you think? (I would especially love to hear an extravert's perspective.)
1:00 PM +

wednesday, september 13

•••    I am too far south and too surrounded by trees and city lights (a bad skygazing combination!) to see any auroras... but if you're somewhere a little more dark and northerly, look at the sky tonight! there was a big coronal mass ejection a few days ago, and it's on its way to earth. we should have a pretty show when all that energy comes crashing into our magnetosphere.
9:12 PM +

•••    that personality test from sunday is making the college email rounds tonight. my roommate and I are 83% compatible. I think that's pretty good. I'm also apparently much more compatible with most of the swatties I know than I am with most of the bloggers I know (I used two different email addresses, to protect everyone involved) -- my average swattie compatibility averages around 78%, but my average blogger compatability is barely above 60%.

I should not have revisited this. suddenly it's incredibly interesting! for instance:

• the difference between me being a dreamer and me being a mastermind comes down to a single question.
  
• the introvert/extrovert ratio is much higher among people I know at swarthmore than people I know on the web.
  
• the person with whom I am most compatible, at 96%, is a finder of missing children. however, the other fmcs on the list aren't even 60% compatible with me!
  
• there are no politicians with whom I am more than 23% compatible.
  
• this is the one that really confuses me: I am only 92% compatible with myself. with a one-answer difference!
  

anyway, I really need to be doing homework, not playing with this thing.
9:02 PM +

•••    I know everyone is sick of gratuitous javascript cursor trailers, but this one is kinda cute, and the juxtaposition of the text and the cursor is pretty amusing.

also, play around on the left for a while. have you ever seen a web browser have a seizure before? I think it had too much to drink. :P
1:03 PM +

•••    look! it's a middleweight black hole! (am I the only person who thinks that is a hysterically funny name? as if anything that is so strong it pulls lightwaves in could be really considered middleweight. on the other hand, maybe there are lightweight black holes floating around everywhere, say inside my backpack. that would explain the disappearance of my favorite mechanical pencil yesterday.)
10:21 AM +

tuesday, september 12

•••    remember, ordinary people can change the world. take a look at ecopledge and maybe help convince big corporations to stop destroying the environment.

this planet is our only home, you know.
10:48 PM +

•••    okay, so I'm looking at my planner and writing stuff in, and doing some quick mental calculations...

assuming six hours of sleep a night (which is a stretch, I know), and subtracting maybe two hours a day for meals (I eat alone and quickly), showers, and travel time, I have seven total hours of unscheduled time over the next four days. scheduled time means being in class, meetings, rugby practice, or other time-locked engagements. scheduled time does not include homework, administrative responsibilities (they always seem to appear at the last minute), email, journalling, or any of that other semi-essential stuff.

so, if over the course of this week, I seem scarcer than usual, just picture me running around with my head on backwards and dropping textbooks everywhere as I try to do my homework on the fly in between all my other (over)commitments. or maybe picture me lying flat on my back in the middle of the pavement, jabbering nonsense and pointing at imaginary things in the sky.
10:35 PM +

•••    good things that happened today so far:

blueberries at breakfast. there was no rice milk, so I had to eat my cornflakes with soy milk, which is a bit thick and creamy-feeling, but there were blueberries. so it all balanced out, and at least the soy milk was an appealing shade of violet. :)

amazing fact number two in astronomy class: nuclear fusion occurs in the sun's core even though classical mechanics says it's impossible! haha! (the temperature is not high enough to give the hydrogen atoms enough kinetic energy to push past the classically forbidden region -- where the repulsive electrostatic force sends them careening apart -- but quantum mechanics and probability give them magic tunneling powers, yay!)

big fat envelope in the mail for me. when I was first decorating my room I found there was too much wallspace in long thin strips to accomodate my mostly square posters (one of them went outside in the hallway). I don't especially like having big chunks of undecorated walls, so I asked my mom to send me some magazines with pretty pictures. (my project for the next time I have a free moment is to cut them up and collage them.) she also sent me this great drawing of my lovebird flying a k'nex airplane. it's just about the best thing I've seen all day, except maybe my beautiful graph of amazing quantum tunneling. but the drawing is much more colorful, and it is definitely going up on my wall as soon as I get back to my room. (at ten pm. :P I don't live there, I just sleep there.)

asian salad bar at lunch. that means mandarin oranges, fresher-than-usual snowpeas, and lots of fun little crunchy things like peanuts and noodles. plus the quintessential salad ingredient, red bell peppers! we don't get enough red peppers here. I like my salad colorful and textured. it was good today. (am I writing a lot about food? hmm. I like food.) and I had my new stack of national geographics to flip through while I ate, so lunch in general was much more enjoyable than usual.

sometimes I actually can make myself feel better about the world. my psyche is being nice and cooperative today... and the lovebird pilot picture definitely helped. (thank you, mom. :)
12:06 PM +

•••    just what we need: more antibiotics that weaken bacteria without killing it. we are going to have some monstrous mutant bacteria in a few decades.
9:13 AM +

•••    psa for today: capsouto frθres is not the same as "caps out of reres," which is what I thought when I saw the domain name in the title bar. I was, needless to say, rather puzzled (but also intrigued).
12:50 AM +

•••    hey! did you know that people are something like fifty thousand times more luminous (per unit mass) than the sun? fifty thousand! really! but you'll have to take my word for it, because I am not about to transcribe my astronomy doodlings. what this really goes to show is how freaking enormous the sun is.

and yes; several hours, a few very nice emails, half a package of saltines, and an extra-vigorous toothbrushing later, I am feeling a bit better, if rather full of crackers.
12:04 AM +

monday, september 11

•••    after tonight's officers' meeting (look at my stunning mastery of apostrophes :P), I have come to the conclusion that I suck at politicking far too much to be treasurer. I think everything involving money is inherently corrupt. and now I'm going to go find a nice enclosed area so that when my head explodes, it won't be too big a mess for someone to clean up. OY.
10:06 PM +

•••    I don't know what the heck is wrong with me but today I am feeling much more annoyed with people than usual. and I really, really want to set something on fire. (not a person, though I think it comes from the same general sense of unfocused agitation as my frustration with people. I also have this odd sensation under my skin as if my veins were being invaded by miniscule electrically charged insects. whee!)

anyhow I have decided that I should not be allowed to read webpages until I stop being annoyed, because somehow I keep ending up feeling frustrated with the authors for no apparent reason, and then I feel bad about it.

actually the reason is me. (I just decided this.) today I feel isolated but also common, which is just a bad combination. being isolated and uncommon is okay. being common (not the same as generic) with a companion is okay. but when you are alone and similar to too many other things, you just sort of disappear. it's okay for me to disappear from the viewfinder of the world at large, but today I am disappearing from myself, which is not an especially pleasant feeling. I'm not sure how that translates into being a misanthropic arsonist, but there you go.

doing math homework will make me feel better, right? ha. :P
2:44 PM +

•••    on jupiter, the hot spots in the cloud patterns can be as big as north america and lasts as long as a month. and they're two hundred degrees warmer than the surrounding atmosphere.

remember that the next time you want to complain about the weather. :)
10:19 AM +

sunday, september 10

•••    hmm. can we take over the world from within the fifth circle of hell? (I don't think I would fit in the eighth, although I rather like the idea of being a magician. also, what's up with the little flying elephant thing? it looks like one of the technicolor elephants from dumbo's drunken dream.)
11:29 PM +

•••    fresh clean laundry smells ohsogood...

however. am I the only swattie who cleans out the lint trays in the dryer? it takes two seconds. it's actually kind of fun. and it makes your clothes cleaner and drier! and less linty! there are no drawbacks here! so why do I always find a swath of lint so thick and colorfully stratified it could practically be hiding fossils inside?

these are the things that keep me up at night... okay, not really. that would be physics.
11:17 PM +

•••    I took the test twice, because as usual with me and personality tests, there were several questions where I could have given either answer with equal honesty and confidence.

first I was a mastermind.
You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this “scheming.”... Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader--you’ve definitely got the “vision” thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.
what, I'm not normal? ha! also, I could not be a great leader, not if that involved having other people enacting my vision. just the idea makes me uncomfortable; I would rather have everyone discover their own visions. my vision is right for me.

then I was a dreamer.
You are reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what’s going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex. Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you’re a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver.
all of this is very true except the part about facts and figures. I have a tremendous interest in facts and figures; they are what allow me to describe the workings of the universe. I may not care so much about what's going on around me socially, but I definitely care about the external environment. I need to be a part of the world, if not so much a part of a people-group.

there is always something that is glaringly wrong, no matter what personality test I take or how consistent I try to be with my answers. (my horoscope is generally flat-out wrong, but that is simply happenstance, though unfortunate for the astrologers.) for this to be accurate, I would have to take the dreamer profile, subtract the loser part and the disinterest in facts part, and insert the analytical bit from the mastermind profile. just one letter makes such a big difference... I don't think my personality is all that dichotomous. do you?

(via isomorphisms)
7:24 PM +

•••    come on, you guys. blushing twice in as many minutes is bad for my ears. it makes them all hot and crimson.

and now, off to my wonderfully collegiate laundry! :) (and physics, but there is not very much that is wonderful about that, since it's still all vector calc.)
6:41 PM +

•••    I stayed up until 4:30 this morning reading one child, all in one shot. it's about a severely abused and emotionally disturbed little girl who also happens to be a genius, written by one of her schoolteachers. it was rather emotionally exhausting -- all I really want to do right now is go back to bed -- but worth it. now I have to find the energy (and time) to read the sequel.

books are good. one thing I regret about having so many natural sciences is that I don't get to read books as much as I would like. (real books, not textbooks or resource books or general audience nonfiction science books.) I suppose that's what the early mornings are really for, among other things.
11:49 AM +